A List of Things Rosalie Can Never do to Jacob
by EssaTheTwerp
Summary: The title says it all, but it's not like Rosalie knew it would be an angry Puerto Rican doctor! And she didn't intend for the duck to want to marry him! The divorce was finalized! My attempt at humor.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! I thought of this idea when I was jumping on my trampoline and I thought it might be interesting. So if enough people like it then I'll continue! This is told from Rosalie's POV. And I'm sorry; I'm not much of a comedian writer. So if it's really bad I won't continue! And sometimes I may have a flashback of the incident in a separate chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters! **

**Chapter One **

I entered the dining room and I knew something I didn't want to happen was going to happen. Carlisle and Esme looked serious, but everyone else was fighting smiles. Jake had a smirk splattered across his face. I swallowed. "What's all this about?" I asked. Esme motioned for me to sit down and I suspiciously sank into the chair.

"Rose, this was Nessie's idea, for the record. And we all _had_ to come. So don't get all mad at me." Emmett said who was sitting next to me. This didn't sound pretty. Edward spoke next.

"We're making a list of things you can never do to Jake." Edward said carefully. My eyes widened and I hissed.

"One time! I died his hair blue one time and suddenly we have to make a list!" I growled furiously.

"You did more than just dye his hair blue. But that's an excellent place to start." Edward started, I remembered that accomplishment well. He had had to run around with a blue head for two weeks before it had rubbed off. Jake started to grumble under his breath and I laughed. Bella added it onto the clean sheet of paper in front of her. At the end of the hour it looked like this:

_Do NOT die his hair blue!_

_Don't try to pierce his tongue with a spork!_

_Don't set his car on fire and then tie balloons on the remains so they'll float away_

_Don't smash a tetherball pole into his face_

_Don't paint a dog on his chest then write the words 'I smell like afire hydrant' underneath _

_Don't throw a swing at his garage_

_Don't pretend to be a mailwoman and deliver all his letters to an angry Puerto Rican doctor named Julio_

_Don't push him into an oven_

_Don't hire a priest and marry him to an angry duck_

_Don't put a garter snake in his underwear_

I stared grumpily at the piece of paper, the duck hadn't been that angry! And the divorce had been finalized! I signed my name at the bottom quickly and Jake grinned.

"And Rose, there'll be another list tomorrow!" He said happily and I moaned.

**So was it terrible? PLEASE REVIEW! I'll relive your top two fave moments if you want. Just tell me what they are. And if you prefer, I'll just write a list instead of it being a kind-of story! And give me some ideas if you have any****!! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey-lo! I just wanted to say thanks a mill to anyone who reviewed! So anyways, PLEASE read my other stories, Strands of Love, which is yes, my Cassie and Embry story, Never Too Young For Love, which is an imprint story about Collin, and Will There Ever be a Happy Ending?, which is a Brady Imprint story. Hmm, I wonder if you've gathered that I like to write imprint stories? Hehe! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**Chapter Two**

I opened the door with dread and went to the living room. Another evening of banning some of the things that make my life complete. Greeeat. Bella had the piece of paper out and she had a half smile on her face. What a traitor. I mumbled some cuss words under my breath and crossed my arms.

"Ready?" Nessie asked me.

"No." I told her curtly and she rolled her eyes.

DON'T

_Paint all his t-shirts to say 'Call me sponge cake'_

_Pour a can of tuna fish on his head_

_Burn down Target and blame him_

_Tie him to a purple stoplight _

_Hire a Mexican hat dancer to trample all his hats_

_Paint his motorcycle pink (Boring, I know.) _

_Throw a burning canoe at his foot_

_Slap him with a lamp post_

_Place a pirate in his underwear drawer_

_But a box of tampons in his refrigerator and label it hotdogs (100% he'll eat them)_

I looked at the list and made a put face. "That is SO not fair! I love burning down Target!"

**So please review, and oh, um, PLEASE REVIEW! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! Okay, so I really hope you enjoy this! And if anyone has any suggestions than you can tell me!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**Chapter Three**

I landed softly on the balls of my feet and went into the house, only to find the same settings as the day before. Groaning, I fell into a chair and crossed my arms.

"Let's jus get on with it." I said curtly.

_1. Don't try to pry open a jar of pickles with his tongue_

_2. Don't make him eat a drunken mouse_

_3. Don't pour a bucket of frozen trout on him_

_4. Don't throw a scarf covered in cat barf at his left thigh_

_5. Don't replace all his birthday presents with dog toys, treats, ect._

_6. Don't make a corncob sculpture of him and place it on the Forks Most Wanted list_

_7. Don't give him a vindictive hen for a gift EVERY single holiday_

_8. Don't mail all his clothes to Vancouver _**(No offense to anyone who lives there, I just picked a random place!)**

_9. Don't place a illegal Persian rug in his luggage_

_10. DON'T enter him in the Little Miss Beautiful Beauty Pageant_**  
**


End file.
